everything i have learned through hinge prompts.

move over dolly alderton.

tenth newsletter, delivered from spring with love. dec 2025.

danielle mckinney, detail shot of a painting: tell me more 2021. “i cropped this photo of my painting to showcase the gaze. to me, she has so much she wants to say..but… dont we all?”

i hate online dating (the crowd agrees) i want to be in a romantic relationship (the crowd agrees) i miss hinge (the crowd stops nodding, someone coughs. they’re confused i thought we hated online dating?)

i do! (i’m trying to rectify myself, trying to come across as blasé but funny, world-weary you know? i have the audiences attention now, have their gazes locked in on me and i can feel sweat trickling and dampening my shirt.)

i hate that i have access to so many beautiful people and that sometimes i find myself swiping left on people i definitely would be attracted to in real life. i hate how i always end up in a cycle of just texting but never meeting up because of busy schedules. i hate how i constantly check my profile: am i pretty enough? do i look gay enough? do these six photos properly convey the entirety of who i am? how do i answer these prompts in a way that makes me sound fun and interesting but not looking like i’ve spent hours-

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkking helll.

fucking hell.

i hate that it exhausts me to text back, i don’t know what to say because i’m having multiple variations of the same conversation. i’m treating this app like a game swipe this person match that person hey (says something about their profile that is both fun and flirty but also allows for space for a conversation) swipe that person, look at my standouts and be reminded that people actually pay for dating apps and none of these women are my type, see someone i’ve seen at a party debate swiping, swipe left because that’s embarrassing. check my profile, look at it as if i was a potential match, check the way my face is my smile my mention of loving the two finger and tongue combo (i actually hate it because i’m almost 90% sure i have vaginismus and no one has ever fingered me with care before!) see the most beautiful woman i have ever seen stare at her profile, imagine what it would be like to date her, chastise myself for daydreaming and projecting on a literal… stranger. swipe left because i don’t believe shed be into me anyway.

exhausting. i hate it so much.

and yet,

i miss the promise of what i could have, i met one of my ex’s on hinge and while it wasn’t exactly the relationship of my dreams i can’t tell myself that hinge doesn’t work because…well…it did for me. for a bit at least. the part of me that desperately wants romantic connection misses how easy it was to get caught up in a whirl of dates, meeting new people, the butterflies, laughing over dessert choices, that first “hey you’re so gorgeous” sends shivers down my spine. i just want someone to touch me purposefully, to flirt with me because they’re interested and they want me to know that. i want to feel my stomach contract with nerves and volcanoes erupt because of it. i want to feel a second heartbeat between my legs, i want to say “shall we split?” and a devilish grin spark on her face as we agree on a dessert to share, spoons knocking against one another.

but i’m a dreamer! an idealist! a person with majority air signs so of course i spend most of my time stuck in the clouds. i can’t go back on hinge because i can’t pretend that i’m ready to date anyone and im tired of being sent memes that are like: send this to your lesbian besties whose friendships consist of failed talking stages! can i just clear the record and say thats like … 30% of my friendships. if that. maybe 35%…

im still figuring out what i want out of relationships but i’ve been dating women since i was 17 i think i want to take a break, it’s incredibly cliche but i really wanna focus on me right now. (the crowd is just staring at me, this was supposed to be an open mic night with the theme of “hope”. someone coughs, the microphone amplifies my heavy breathing, my friends are avoiding eye contact fuckk everyone is looking at me awkwardly. i’ve done it again haven’t i? i told everyone about how i think i have vaginismus.

sooo anyway, i laugh, it comes out choked- godddd this is so embarrassing, i’m trying (again) to get back on track. talk about me less more about the absurdity of the internet. don’t you just hate it when you’re swiping on hinge and someone answers a prompt with “i wish i didn’t have to write these!” ha! ha!

ha!

i’m loooosing them.

i’m losing me! this is ridiculous. i open my phone, the awkwardness is so thick i can feel my toes curl and my back is now covered in a thin layer of sweat, my armpits are pooling with it- come on there has to be something in here that’s worthy of- there!

a note folder titled everything i’ve learned thru hinge prompts.

bingo.

i smile feeling the words rise from my stomach (that’s either poetry being formed or my anxiety is reallly going to make itself known)

and so i joke, i tell anecdotes, i feel the crowd relax with each laugh, each knee slap and so do i, the snake has unwound itself around my spine and i stand up straighter, i’m more surer and by the end we are all laughing, someone bought me a drink scribbled their number on a napkin, someone tells me “you’re really funny.” and my friends say “only here.” which makes us all laugh.

on the train home i check the notes folder again. curious, always always curious. i smile i’m glad we all feel like this even if i have trouble defining what “this” is.

so here’s everything i’ve learned through hinge prompts! screenshotted from the notes app itself!

there’s a screenshot underneath this with me googling “is it true 65% of uk homes have a magnolia wall” and i’ve clearly just screenshotted the first thing i saw cuz i took this as fact until today 😭 realised this is a song lyric.

the fact i didn’t even see “or so claims slaves at the start of their song magnolia “ LMAOOO. is it true? who knows! i don’t really care enough to read the entire article i wont lie.

and two bonus screenshots i found in my camera roll.

this coming from my favourite ex lolll. i miss hinge man.

kind of insane 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭?

thats all from me, thank you for reading! i have never done stand up i’m definitely not funny enough and would absolutely! talk about my vagina. sorry.